Animals In The Attic/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: And now it's time for "the red green show," being broadcast to you live -- well, okay, not live, but, well, almost live. Well, not dead yet. That's the important thing. Anyway, we're broadcasting and fly casting from possum lodge here in the northern wilderness of our great country -- or your country, or the banks' country, actually. They probably own most of it. Anyway, speaking of things that are owned by the bank, here's the star of the show and my uncle, mr. Red green. Thank you, harold. Thank you. Welcome to possum lodge. Uh, harold here is my producer/director/announcer/ nuisance on the show. Give them a taste of your magic there, harold. It's hammer time! [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a-a! I don't go too much for that electronic crap myself, but, uh, anything that eats up time for free is certainly a welcome addition to the show. Actually, things have been just a little bit tense up at the lodge, uh, this week. Uh, stuff has gone missing, or stuff has been moved or even chewed. Guys are getting a little bit antsy, you know? I mean, old man sedgwick said that, uh, somebody ate all his pills. He couldn't remember if they were m&ms or smarties. I'd say they definitely were not smarties. And moose thompson was telling me that somebody's been rummaging, uh, through his laundry hamper, or as he calls it, his bed. You know, I-I'm working with noel on the investigation. We're gathering clues. Oh. So you're not clueless anymore. Well, that's a treat. Noel is actually the, uh, head of security up here at the lodge. It's kind of a token appointment thing. It backfires from time to time, as do most of the lodge members. You know, I'm hoping that it's not, like -- like, thieves or vandals or perverts that, like -- they just come in and they touch your stuff. I hate that when people touch my stuff! I hate that. Well, how do you think the people feel, harold? Anyway, what do you have of value? Your retainer? Well, sometimes people just come in and they steal stuff. And maybe they -- you know, they throw it in the dump. Why? The criminal mind, uncle red. It works in mysterious ways. Yeah, but at least it works, harold. Get on with the show, will you? All -- all righty. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, harold, I think I've seen enough evidence. Whew! You know, noel, if they're not clues and they are just mouse droppings, maybe we should clean them up. Harold, you should never disturb a crime scene. I may have to dust those droppings for fingerprints. You sure have an interesting job, noel. Well, if you've finished examining those mouse droppings, noel, maybe you'd like to join me for a quick 18. He doesn't drink. Golf, harold -- the greatest sport ever invented... Other than sex. Wa-a-a-a! You sure wouldn't want to be below par on that one. "below par." you hear what I said, noel? You get that? B-below par? I don't have time for jokes. And I don't have time for golf. I am on a case. That's my job, okay? I don't examine animal droppings just for the fun of it, you know. Not anymore. Well, I'm working while I play, noel. I work for the department doing natural-resource work. You know, the golf course is a perfect place to, uh... Collect insect samples. Well, it's five minutes to tee-off -- work. [ clears throat ] there goes a man who's taken a mundane job and really made it into something. You know, red, I'm glad you're here. We've had a major breach of security. Harold, excuse yourself. Wa-a! An individual or possibly a roving gang have gained access to the lodge, and they're moving things around. It is a clever ruse. They're just setting us up for something to steal. My recommendation -- red alert, defcon 1, situation 9. You mean somebody's breaking into the lodge and not taking stuff? I can live with that. Thought it was just mice. Isn't it just mice? I think it's just mice, 'cause they leave little droppings and fur all over the place, and then they gnaw on the corner of furniture. Harold? Harold! That's what you're supposed to think. It's a diversionary thing. Oh, yeah. But I'll tell you what's really happening here. The perpetrators are coming in, and they're gnawing on the furniture. Then they throw down a handful of droppings to throw us off the track. Excuse me. Attention, everyone. Excuse me. Okay. Did any of you guys eat these? Bill? Huh? I put a full plate of these on the counter last night, and this morning, half of them have been eaten. Well, they can't have gotten too far. Noel, call the hospital. See if they've had a whole rash of stomach pumpings. Well? What are you gonna do about this? I mean, you're supposed to be head of security, noel, and I don't feel very secure. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. I don't think you have any idea what you're doing. I think we need a new head of security. I got a mind to cite you for contempt, mister, and I can do that. Oh! It's in the lodge charter -- article 55, amendment "b." oh, come on. I-I think we ought to give noel another chance. Okay, yes, eddie. Yes, he's small, insignificant, incompetent, even. But let's give him another chance, 'cause then, when he screws up, we can really nail him to the wall, you know? At least that's fair. All right. You have 24 hours. The way I look at it, we're looking for one criminal. Could be armed. Could be dangerous. [ sniffs ] and we can't rule out insanity. ♪ the knee bone connected to the head bone ♪ ♪ the ankle bone connected to the wrist bone ♪ ♪ the butt bone connected to the ear bone ♪ ♪ it was the worst skateboarding accident on record ♪ red: This week in the "handyman corner," we're doing another installment of our series on how to build fine furniture. You know, there is something darn wonderful about, uh, being able to take some strips of unblemished hardwood and make yourself a beautiful table or even take some wrought iron and weld it into some, uh, lawn furniture. Or, uh, grab a couple of milk crates... And turn them into a handy-dandy little bookshelf. Suddenly, you're part of a long tradition of fine craftsmen who've turned, uh, woodworking or what have you into an art. But, you know, after your first project with this, uh, you might want to try something a little more ambitious. I mean, a bookshelf is okay to look at. But next thing you know, you have to buy books, and, uh, that seems a little pretentious for a lodge member. So, this week, I'm gonna show you how you can do something just a tad more ambitious. [ clattering ] we're gonna take, uh, these milk crates here, and we're gonna make a foldaway couch bed. All right. Uh, you build, uh, two units like this, 3x3, for your sides. Might want to put some padding on top of here as an armrest. And you got the storage bins in here -- wine rack, beer rack, even a soft-drink rack, you know, if you're one of those. And you put these things, uh, around, uh... Eight crates' worth apart. Go get your top. Uh, it's basically the, uh, the same technique. Uh, you know, with the duct tape and a lot -- lot more racking, shelving here. You know, the duct tape with that silver, chrome look, you know, kind of looks like the metal furniture that's so popular with the art deco. And then you... Put that up on top. And there's your shape. All your television, uh, remote controllers can fit into here. And, uh, there's our frame done. Starting to take shape, isn't it? Now we're ready to make the, uh, foldaway seat bed. Okay. Now, uh, what I've done is I've, uh, made two units, 3x5 crates each, and wrapped them all in duct tape. When you do this, though, don't skimp on the duct tape. Whenever I've done a project and used less than a dozen rolls of duct tape, I've never been real proud of the results. Anyway, you know, before you put this together, you've got one of those exercise things. You see the -- the football players do that kind of -- do that kind of stuff. I never wanted to play football. Uh, and now we just fold her up together. [ grunts ] there's our seat. So, you just, uh, upholster this now to match your house. Or if you don't have a house, uh, get it to match your pants. If you don't have pants, well, you have a more interesting life than I do. Milk builds strong bones and strong couches, doesn't it? Now, you know, of course, when somebody drops over, they got a -- they got a place to sleep, you know? Uh, you just get up, and, uh, you whip off the -- whip off the blanket here. And pull out the seat. [ grunts ] I'm sure they'd help you. Pop her up. And then, with the beauty of our hinge... [ hums ] tell them to stand well back. And say, "bedtime. Bed--" hop into bed. Ahh. And there you have it. Fantastic. So remember -- if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I don't think your guest will be staying any more than one night, either, so that's an added bonus. "it is summer. A speedboat zooms by. "the horsepower is 360, "which is four times the rating of the boat and 10 times the I.Q. Of the driver." so, anyway, noel's been questioning all the members about their whereabouts, which is kind of dumb, because these guys can't remember where they were 10 minutes ago. And then he's -- he's dusted the whole place for fingerprints. And, of course, there's fingerprints everywhere. So, uh, now noel wants to arrest anyone with fingers. So far, most of us have offered him one finger, so that's a start. But actually, his investigation is helping, because we know that noel is always wrong, so whoever he suspects we can kind of eliminate. Uncle red, maybe he's doing it on purpose. You know, like reverse psychology? 'cause noel -- I mean, he's trained in investigational criminal techniques. Harold, reading magazines doesn't make you an expert. If it did, old man sedgwick would be a gynecologist. Now, obviously, uh, some animal of some kind here is just -- is rooting around. And when it can't find food, it -- it eats eddie's cooking. Nobody's seen an animal, but you can tell they've been around. Yeah, by all the droppings on the floor. That's right, harold. You can get a lot of information out of a stoolie. But you don't know how long they've been there, eh? I mean, did any of them look like a date? Uh, no. [ laughs ] no! Huh? Huh? So anyway, I-I borrowed harold's camera, and I kind of snuck around, and I took some pictures that I think are gonna solve this mystery. You took my camera? You borrowed my camera? You didn't even ask me to use it? You came in and swiped it when I wasn't even looking or something? I told noel it was stolen. All you got to do is ask. You don't got to steal stuff from me. I didn't even know you did that. Don't even do it. Well, I'm sorry, harold. I forgot what a whiner you are. I just hate when people touch my stuff. I... So, what's the, uh -- what's the big question? Well, we're having a problem at the lodge. We got a wildlife, uh, infestation there. You got a new member? [ laughing ] no. Uh, actually, uh, I took some pictures of the animal droppings to show you. Scat. Pardon me? Scat, red. Oh. Okay. Oh, no. No, no, red. No. That's the scientific term for animal droppings -- "scat." you know, like wolf scat, deer scat, snake scat -- that sort of thing. Oh, okay. Makes sense. Well, I -- you know, I-I took this picture of it. Aha! Wow. Some great backlighting you got there. Beautiful composition. Thank you. Uh, I really like the choice of the black-and-white film. Yeah, well, I guess I caught its good side. You know, you really have a flair for still-life photography. You should, uh, do this for the government. You could make top dollar doing that kind of thing. Well, uh, thanks, bob. But, uh, I don't think excrement photography would be a real big career move for me. Well, think about it. So, what -- what type of animal do you think would leave the... Oh. Well, raccoon. Oh, raccoon. Oh. Are you sure about that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's the same scat that was over, uh, by the sand trap on the, uh, 11th hole over there. Okay. So, what do I do to get rid of a raccoon, uh, bob? Do you have a number-2 wood? You want me to kill a raccoon with a golf club? Oh, no. No, you need a number-2 wood on this hole. No, it's illegal to kill raccoons. Well, tell that to my van. I have an idea, though. I'll tell you what I'll do. After we've played our game of golf here, I'll go back to the office. I can lend you a raccoon trap. What do you think about that? Well, sounds all right, I guess. Well, you're very welcome. Fore! [ water splashes ] [ film projector clicking ] red: Now it's time for one of my favorite things -- fishing. Not fishing with bill. There's a big difference. But, you know, I'll fish with anybody. First thing about bill you have to notice is the size of the tackle box. You can tell a lot about a man by the size of his tackle box. And, of course, bill doesn't have a box that big to keep it empty. He's got his motorcycle helmet. He's got an old propane tank. You know, they won't refill those after 10 years, but I think bill just keeps it around. Kind of an old memory there of a barbecue. And he -- and he did find a lure -- one of those little, uh... Maritime wiggler, I think that thing's called. And, uh, I think I dated one of those, actually. He's got a christmas wreath there and an old lawn sprinkler. No, that was an action figure. That's what that -- and there's a crowbar. That's mine, actually. I used that to change a headlight a little while ago. And then he's got a bobber. This is a floater. They're a bobber, floater, floater, bobber -- whatever you like. And, uh, this goes on the fishing line so that, uh, your lure and what have you won't, uh -- won't sink too far into the water. Just hooks on like that. No big deal, really. And now with bill, he wanted to use not only the lure, but he wanted to use some, uh -- some bait as well. So, bait and lure. Kind of a "blure." oh, what's that? I got a nice little bike there. You know, the dock was getting a little full, so what am I gonna do with this? Ah, problem solved. So he gets out an old piece of ham from one of our possum lodge reunions. Uh, late '70s, I think that one was from. And he hooks the, uh -- hooks the lure right into that. And now he's obviously going for the big fish here. Lot of weight. Lot of weight on the line there. And unfortunately, what happened -- oh, gosh. There goes his -- and yanks the fishing rod right out of his -- and there it goes, and everything gone to the bottom. So, that should not -- no, it's not the end of the day, 'cause he's gonna use my stuff. Terrific idea, bill. Thank you. Back into the tackle box for something else. [ dog whimpering ] what? What, what, what? Oh, for gosh sakes. Hello, there, little fella. Nice hockey stick. What the heck is going on in here? And another lure. Oh, nice one. And you're gonna put him back? He gonna be all right in there, bill? Got his own, uh -- his own little, uh -- little kennel in there. He wasn't...In no danger at all. No, no. Anyway, bill puts the other lure, ties her on there. A lot of hooks. Look at the hooks on that thing. Holy mackerel. That's a major, major thing there. And then he's, uh -- look out, look out, look out, look out, look out, look out. And he's gonna cast that. And, of course, with all those hooks, it gets kind of -- tangles within itself. And now he's got to... Oh, boy. He's got something just for that. Uh, it's a rubber glove. He always has a rubber glove handy for any of the events that we have at the lodge. And anyway, he's gonna cast her out. And just -- I'm getting the heck out of the way, and get bill down the -- that's it. Get bill down the end there. I haven't gotten to fish yet, and I've been there for some time now. Mind you, bill's got my rod. What am I gonna do? Oh, well, I'll let him have one more cast, and then I think -- oh, geez, he got my tack-- bill, my tackle box! Oh, g-- oh! Oh! I want my tackle box back, bill. Get me the -- get -- bring it back. There we go. Look out. Ow! Ow! Geez! What the heck? Oh! Aah! Oh. Thank you very much. And you broke the rod. Well, what a treat. [ dog whimpering ] so, bill, you just pack -- look. Watch. Be careful, now. Careful, now. Careful. Oh, he's fine, he's fine, he's fine. Yeah. Yeah. Has his own tackle box with a guard dog. Thank you, bill, for a great day of fishing. Well, we, uh, rigged up the raccoon trap. Put a big wedge of cheese in there and stuck her up in the attic. And in about five minutes, we caught buster hadfield's arm. It was still attached, but the cheese was gone, so we drove him out to the dump and let him go. Junior singleton says that raccoons sleep all day, which is gonna make them, you know, real hard to catch and also makes them potential lodge members. So I guess we're gonna have to wait until morning. Actually, uncle red, we caught one about an hour ago. Yeah, he got all tangled up in old man sedgwick's truss. You know, when he was trying it on, he thought it was just, like, his condition acting up. But, boy, when that tail popped out -- wa-a! -- That scared him. So eddie grabbed it and took it back to the kitchen. Oh, boy. That's gonna make a pretty scary roast. I mean, the gravy -- no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's gonna make it into a pet. You see, it seems it's the only living creature that enjoys eddie's cooking. He's also gonna mention tonight at the lodge meeting maybe we can turn him into, like, the lodge mascot. [ screeching ] that's it. That's meeting time, uncle red. Come on. We got to go downstairs. Hurry up, eh? Yeah, all right. This'll just, uh, take me about a minute to straighten out. Maybe what we'll do is make the raccoon head of security and turn noel into the lodge pet. [ screeching continues ] [ indistinct conversations ] okay. Everyone get a seat. Hurry up. All rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. So, uh, how we doing with this, uh, raccoon problem, guys? All right. Floor recognizes bob stuyvesant. Well, red, I-I think that we should probably send the raccoon back into the wild. It's, uh, against the law to destroy a raccoon, of course, unless it's rabid. No! Uh, d-don't let it go! It likes it here! We're friends. It -- it eats my cooking. Well, it sounds rabid to me. Bob, go do what you have to do. No! You can't kill neddy! Neddy? We were gonna become a team -- neddy and eddie. Animal acts are very big. It's not that kind of lodge, eddie. We were gonna play the palace in las vegas, like -- like siegfried & roy. Don't worry. I'll take care of it, red. Oh, no! [ sobs ] noel, we have a trespasser. Yeah. Sure. I'll take care of it. I thrive on this sort of thing. Noel... You don't have to kill the raccoon, okay? As long as you get it out of the lodge. Right. I'll do that. W-well, this is heartless and cruel. I have never once asked for a pet. And now -- and now I've got something to love, that'll eat my cooking, and you want to take it away from me! [ rattling ] wa-a-a! Watch yourself there, harold. Thank you. Well, you know, eddie, uh, raccoons carry a number of parasites that are harmful to humans. Oh, you sound just like my mother! [ all shouting ] [ gunshot ] [ footsteps ] [ sobs ] what happened, noel? He jumped me. The raccoon jumped me. Must have been behind the door or something. Wrestled the gun out of my hands. Fired a warning shot between my legs and ran out. Good for you, neddy! Run! Be free! Oh, it was awful. He had this maniacal look in his eye... Between that little mask of his. When he ran off, he was thinking, I'm sure, "I got to get back to the forest. I need real food." boy, I don't like the idea of a raccoon running wild out there with a loaded gun. Would you rather have noel running around with one? No. Good point. All right, well, now that's out of the way, I -- I think we'll call on eddie to give us the evening's entertainment. And -- and go easy on him. He's had kind of a rough day. [ murmuring ] this is just a little something that I wrote for -- for neddy, the kindest fur-covered thing I have ever known. You know, uh, one of the reasons I keep coming back to the lodge is the faith I have that, uh, nature's course is the best course. That was proved again tonight. When nature calls, you'd better listen. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I-I just didn't have the heart to get you that raccoon coat. Uh, besides, the arms were too short, and there was four of them. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. ♪ for you and your whole family ♪ hey! ♪ you know, I'd like to meet your mom ♪ ♪ as for you, helmut, you're lovely and beautiful ♪ and hey! ♪ I looked around my kitchen ♪ ♪ and what do you think I find? ♪ hey! ♪ you might be gone, but you left a lot of yourself behind ♪ hey! Okay, if you could all, like -- like, do this? Everybody, come on, now. Do the cleaning paw. Clean your paws. And hey! ♪ you know who's all washed up? ♪